What happened?

I never thought I'd ever share this here but I need to get it off my chest. I couldn't believe that the man I was in love with, the same man right from the start, ever since I was 17, actually belongs to someone else. I'll never be able to accept the fact that those days and nights spent and the times when I asked if he's single and why he still was, was nothing but just a lie. How could you.. I don't know how to put this but, have an affair when it's months before you tie the knot? But of course, slowly.. I managed to put all the tiny pieces together.

I was the other woman. I was the spare tire. I was second. I was number two.

Crushed, was an understatement but exactly a week after we met, which was and will be the last I'll ever see him, I prayed to god asking that if he was really and never will be mine, show me. Ultimately and quite weirdly I might add, my prayers were answered. Mondays have a different meaning to me from then on and I will never be able to explain how I truly feel. It's a deep mixture between numb, sadness, hate, unbelievable, speechless, and perhaps more numb concoction. I mean.. How the hell did you managed to lie to me over and over again? Better question is, how dumb was I to have believed you? 

In other words, he got married and what breaks my heart the most was that the news didn't come from him. That was what happened.

Do you get me?

Oh my it's been so long since I last blogged about something and this space feels almost non-existent.

 An article that I cam across and would have passed you readers the link but I totally am lazy to scroll down my twitter time line to get hold of it. Haha. Till then, xoxo.

Friday night fever.

Cos it takes something more this time than sweet sweet lies. 

Before I open up my arms and fall, losing all control.

I'm not gonna lie but I was dissapointed when I went for the Reebonz Shoegar Rush yesternight. Was really hoping that I could bag home a decent Ferragamo ballerina flats that I was aiming but it wasn't on the rack (unfortunately). Not only that, the number of shoes on sale were a dissapointment too. There was indeed more bags than there were for the shoes fyi. Haizz I guess I just gotta wait for the Club 21 or Pedder Red Sale and try my luck there instead. As much as I desperately need a pair of decent flats for work, I think it's best that I be patient and.. Yeah wait.

Nonetheless, I couldn't thank for the good company (Zie, Jay and An) I had that sacrificed their time/effort/energy to accompany me though I left the place empty handed. :( Oh wells, better luck next time? *fingers crossed*

Final weekend.

The only way to rise from the fall is to further surround myself with people who makes me happy and those that truly care for me. I also have to keep reminding myself that life still goes on. Shit happens and what you gotta do is to just flush it down and begin a new.  I've also learnt that nothing really does stays forever and I vow that from now on, I'll take things with a pinch of salt. Or at least till someone can assure me (may I add, assure me gila babi) that we are on the same path and could actually see us being together for the rest of our life. Sure, that may sound a lil too much for some, in fact I cringe at the thought of starting all over again (because honestly, I'm having major trust issues with the opposite gender nowadays) but there's no way I can go back to how and what things were. Therefore, to 'move forward' is ze mantra from now on.

I've a feeling that those girls up there in the group photo (kindly click to enlarge please. I've nicely made it into a collage for your viewing pleasure hahaha.) are gonna be my party khakis from now on. I mean, we were all from RP (myself, Tiqah, Fa, Rchl, Germaine), Dhiya's are the girls' ex colleague and Zaimah's my closest gfs. So yeap, there you have them all! Haha. Extremely laid back, fun like hell and we truly keep a look out for each other! Gotta love going out with girls that have a mind of their own and not those that always say, "anything la I anything". Because ps: I can't stand those type of people. They make me feel like smacking their head so that they'll come out with some sort of a decision. Hahaha.

I knew I had to be outside on that particular Saturday night because for all you know, I might be attempting to kill myself (wished I can go in detail but I shall keep it highly privatized) HAHA. So glad I have Syafff to accompany me. We met and I became her personal shopper for the day. Picked out an all black and gold outfit for her conference meeting in KL and hellll yeah she looks good! She even put on the red lipstick I recommended! Hehehe so proud of this girl here la.

We were a tad too early. Reservation was at 8.30? But we arrived an hour earlier + we were later reminded that Goodfellas only starts playing at 10.30 hahaha. Yeap you probably guessed it correctly, we stayed and didn't budged an inch till 11.30. Thank god there was lotsa food and drink (of course never ending snapping of photos). Before I forget, many many thanks to the head chef at Timbre Substation! ;)

Just so you know, I enjoy being around with people who appreciates good music and also, comfortable silence. xx

Lust At First Sight.

I’ve learned that even in platonic relationships, it takes time, ups and downs and different situations to build a foundation and to understand the other person. Since I have a rather extremist personality, I have made the mistake of jumping to a conclusion way to early only to be disappointed in the end when you realize that the person wasn’t as great as you first imagined them to be.

We’ve all heard the adage, “easy come, easy go” and while it may sound cliché, I believe it to be true. The relationships that take time, investment and eventually have a history are a lot harder to break and come tumbling down when the going gets tough.  But the ones that are built on a whirlwind romance, they can come crashing down a lot easier since there was no foundation to begin with.

Opening Up My Heart Again.

I don’t think I’ve ever been really good at dating. I am very careful with who I let into my heart and in the beginning a man usually has to have a lot patience and resilience to overcome the big, massive walls I’ve put up as my fortress of safety. But every once in a while, someone gets through, and when he does, I open up my world to him.

If you’ve been following my blogs, you will know that I was in a pretty bad breakup last year. One that left me hurt, betrayed and extremely afraid to open up my heart again to anyone. Getting hurt or disappointed in the quest for love just wasn’t a risk I was ready to take.

Recently, I met someone and taking that risk to open up my heart again was something I was starting to warm up to. He was an honest, high-integrity, considerate and beautiful person. He treated me with respect, was emotionally mature and his actions matched his good intentions. But the timing in our lives didn’t align. And if there is one lesson I’ve learned from my past, is that you can meet the right person at the wrong time, and it won’t work.

Usually, when a relationship doesn’t work out to the vision I hoped it would, I would feel disappointed and depleted. I would typically look back with regret thinking that I wasted my energy. But what’s different, is this time, I’m very grateful and happy for the experience. I can look back and say I’m glad I opened up my heart, and even though it didn’t play out in the way I had thought it might, I feel healthy, grounded and grateful to have shared moments with someone who treated my heart with care and respect.

I believe that the people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Sometimes that reason comes in the form of a harsh, uncomfortable lesson. And sometimes, that reason comes in the form of a light, positive memory to remind you that there is good and hope out there. I’m pretty thankful that this time, the lessons learned came in the latter form. I used to think that endings were a bad thing. But I’m starting to realize, sometimes endings are just new beginnings in disguise.

Credits: (x)

But he who dares not grasp the thorn, should never crave the rose.

“You're beautiful, but you're empty...One couldn't die for you. Of course, an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you. But my rose, all on her own, is more important than all of you together, since she's the one I've watered. Since she's the one I put under glass, since she's the one I sheltered behind the screen. Since she's the one for whom I killed the caterpillars (except the two or three butterflies). Since she's the one I listened to when she complained, or when she boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing at all. Since she's my rose.”

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

My prayers been answered.

This is it. This is the end.