Strong, stronger.

I was scrolling through my FB page and oh my.. Things have surely taken a 360 degree change. I never knew I was so broken, literally. Reminiscing those times where I fall terribly ill which result in me weighing 37kg light, crying during dinner time with family/in long bus rides/before I sleep daily. I never ever want to go through again. Yeah, there I've said it (why it's so hard for me to fall back into that dark hole) and for you who are still reading, I hope you'll never have to go through any of that. It fucking hurts till the fact that each time I think about these, the urge to throw up aka puke is very strong.

Very glad, thankful and blessed to say that I have slowly mended myself with nothing but love. More love. Of course, I won't be able to do it without the help of my parents, sisters, bestest girlfriends and guyfriends that never fail to guide and send concerns to me every now and then. It's been years. Those horrid times will always be a part of me and I've learnt to be the bigger person and let things go. Just like a friend once said.. "Even when times are hard.. You always have to give life another chance."

Love, it comes when you least expects it to and it will leave because nothing last forever but the love you have for yourself and within you.. Will never ever fade.

A particular letter for self to wake up.

I thought I'd share this here as well as a reminder to myself..

"

I’ve seen it happen way too many times: The nice guy loses the girl for being exactly who he is. What’s even worse is if he’s really the nice guy, he’s going to lose her and say nothing about it. He’ll accept it as something she truly wants and give her his best wishes, as she walks away being everything he could ever want. On behalf of all the nice guys out there, this is to the girl who walked out on the best thing that ever happened to her:

---

Dear Girl Who Walked Away,

It’s not like you weren’t aware of what you were getting yourself into. He told you he was nice. He trusted easily and gave you all he could when he could. The nice guy believes in doing things right. He was there when you needed him to be, and he went out of his way to make sure you knew just how much you could mean to someone. We live in a generation where we all have to wear masks and play parts to make it through the battlefield of dating in the 21st century. There is no such thing as giving it your all.

We like quotes on Facebook and post things on Instagram stating we want the masochist one day and the romantic the next. We play these games where being available can only happen sometimes, and playing hard-to-get must be our number one priority. Why? I thought the ultimate goal was to eventually settle down. I mean, what is the point of dating if you have no desire for it to go anywhere? If a one-night stand is what you’re looking for, leave the good guys alone and toy within the levels you lay down. Save yourself time and energy because the good guy isn’t going to make it easy to just walk away. The good guy cares, so he’ll get his explanation from you even though he knows it’ll be a load of bull.

Every girl says she likes the assh*le because he’s the challenge — the one she must break, train and force to be more than just a douchebag. Have you ever thought, however, maybe you were the girl in need of learning what it means to actually feel again? You went through something, like we all do, and because of it you changed. It’s normal and heartbreak happens, but the next assh*le didn’t fix what the first one did; he kept it the same or made it worse. His priority was not you and couldn’t be you. So now you’re bitter and closed off from anything remotely more satisfying than a one-night stand.

I won’t deny that the assh*le is fun or that a good time isn’t promised with him, but when it’s all said and done, is it ever more than just a good time? Probably not. In fact, the assh*le has a charm about him; it’s the charm you justify your pursuit with. You say, “There’s just something about him.” However, it’s probably the same quality that ended up hurting you in the past.

So you tried to push the nice guy away. When he wouldn’t go away, you pushed harder. Still, he didn’t give up and every time you pushed harder, he pulled you in even more. He ignored your fears and forced you to grow; he fought for your passions when you were too busy writing them off. He forgot your wants and focused on everything you needed. Then you walked away because he was too nice.

He gave you too much of everything you wanted, and life got too easy. You wanted conflict and hardship as if everything else in life did not promise you an endless journey of just that. This is where you failed. The nice guy has been hurt, too, he just chose to stay nice. He learned that different people were going to provide him different things in life. The nice guy also chose not to let any of it change who he was. So, he let you walk away and he called it a day. Everyone always says there are plenty of fish in the sea, and he let you go knowing this, even though it hurt.

What you don’t know is that someone else is out there, and she won’t be as foolish you. When you realize all you really want is the nice guy who cares about you too much, it’s going to be too late. Some other girl will be able to see how great he is, and she won’t waste a minute. So you lost your Ted Mosby and, I promise, to him you were Robin. The nice guys are there to give you a break, a light to something more than the games we identify our generation with.

He may have loved you too soon and it was too crazy and too much, but guys like Mosby don’t happen every day; they happen never. He got you the blue French horn, and he made you feel love when love was no longer a part of your vocabulary. You were now saying “I love you” again and remembering what it felt like.

He was the guy you were supposed to end up with, who makes everything change. I just wish you’d see it before another girl does because at the end of the day, everyone, including the nice guy you don’t deserve, is rooting only for you.

Sincerely, The Girl Who Was Too Late

"

Two words, hurt and guilty. Yes I am but I believe things will change..
Credits: x

Beginning of June.

If only I could take a sneak peek to the last few pages as I'm very interested to know how this ends.

But.. What's destination without the journey?

Self esteem issues?

I'm either very busy with work or school but often, I'll have enough time to do some form of reflection at the end of the day. And that usually happens when I'm on my way home or during my weekly night jogs. Giving reasons as to how busy packed my schedule is, is surely a lame excuse to refuse an invitation when someone asks me out. I've mentioned this before and I'm gonna say it again, I.am.scared.

It sucks to be in this situation where you're afraid of one not accepting you for who you are. So many what ifs and what could have beens that should have clearly be deleted out of my mind already. Honestly, I'm afraid of not being good enough for anyone. I did my best. Heck, I was on my bestest behavior (normal self actually and always trying to please others) and shit still happens so, to think if something greater is to come.. Oh my that's one tough thought that is difficult to swallow. Very difficult.

A couple of things have been happening lately, good news and yes alhamdullilah for them but I'm feeling the pinch as one by one are really and truly settling down. To think they are all real good mens, just a bit cheeky but heyyy we were all young and naughty aren't we? What bothers me is that deep down I knew I've lost many good men that tried to pursue me but I just wasn't returning the favor or feelings or oh godddd, I simply don't know. :(

Sometimes I felt like I've been cursed. Cursed under a huge dark spell that won't allow me to love again. 

Have faith and a little bit of kindness.

Honestly, it's not that difficult to be kind towards one another.

A piece of you to another human being or animal or anything that matters to you, shouldn't be a problem.
What goes around comes around, you do good, others will too. That has always been my mantra.

What if?

You're all I ever wanted.

Nonsense. Do not read.

Too often have I noticed myself backspacing my train of thoughts for fear of being judged. But then again, how long am I gonna be so conscious? If people liked what they read or see, they'll continue to follow. Else, they will do the next best thing. Unfollow. I don't know about you but social media had and will probably have a great impact on my daily life and future. Sadly, I am very much addicted to it. It's close to the caffeine that I have to have every morning. I tried to stop for a week or two but then I'll be craving for it badly during the weekends. Sure it's all in the mind but...

Few have taken the step back but hey, to each its own right? Just because you've stopped sharing stuffs, that's really erm.. None of my business. Okay all that aside.. I wanted to be on hiatus on IG but I failed miserably. Hahaha.

Okay, this post is pointless and I don't think it made any sense either.

Right.. I know why none of all these makes sense. It's because.. I AM HUNGRY AND LAST NIGHT, I SPENT $199 ON A PAIR OF WORK HEELS BUT I SHALL NOT REGRET BECAUSE IT'S FROM CLARKS AND IT'S COMFY AND STYLISH AS HELL.

Ps: I want seafood tom yum banmian, beef satay extra peanut sauce, spicy prawn otah, mee rebus and hot cheng teng.

Pss: I want cinnamon churros with dark chocolate and indomie extra pedas extra telur. 

Someone surprise me with food ah please ah please tolongggggggggggggg.

Till death do us apart.

Beautiful Celebrations.

 For I am nothing, without them both.