There you go.

When your heart skips a beat. When you lose sleep thinking of the what ifs. When prayers are done together. When you look forward to midnights. The lights. The cranes. The breeze. The omgs. The wths. A freaking zoo in your stomach. Flipping emotions. Unexpected concerns. Hilarious conversations. Comfortable silence. All. Of. It.

Three words.

I've been meaning to share this particular something for quite a while but I'm always lost for words as it's pretty overwhelming for me to share (yes somehow it does hahaha). Everything's been super smooth sailing and as much as I'm happy (very happy), I fear of that "what-if-this-doesn't-work-out" kinda shit. Yeap you may say hell to being pessimistic and more positive mojo needs to be installed in me! But yeahh there's always that small percentage of doubt. That aside, just so you know.. I'm trying and have been keeping up with all the lurvee hahahahaha! :)

Day in, day out, I never fail to ask myself what are the qualities that this man have that managed to capture my heart. This heart that was guarded with cold hard bricks which was stacked up ever so meticulously.. Oh my, for all one knows.. The prayers that my grandma, parents and myself been praying are half answered. Why half answered? Because we aren't yet officially each others' and will only be so till the akad nikah. Sure that's a far fetched kind of vision but hey, I may be dating and enjoying myself but let's all face it, a beautiful marriage and a lovely home is what I want at the end of the day. It's important, it's special.

I have had a few guy-friends that I know would like me more than just a friend and as much as they are truly nice and such good gentlemen (I've been with idiots but no two men are the same and they deserve the best treatment nonetheless. My tip, be yourself and I guess.. That's where they fall for you even more. Remember, personality over looks people! x ), I think I just wasn't meant for them? I don't know. There's always something missing, somehow. Or perhaps, my heart wasn't ready? I truly do not know..

Meeting Zaki again for the first time in so many years was nothing short of another dinner and casual movie with a good close guy friend of mine. It was strictly two old friends or rather, ex-colleagues, meeting to catch-up. But oh goddddddddd, who knew sparks freaking flew the minute he sent me back at my house car park?! Feelings that I thought I've lost 3 years ago, came back. Typing these down, give me chills fyi. *feel free to roll your eyes coz it might come across as cheesy max and I'm not a fan of such but haiyaaaaa people, I cannot help it!*

For the first time in years, I was interested and genuinely wanted to meet someone again and again. Like hellooooo? I only do so if I'm into the person or if you're like one of only girlfriends.. And ps; I've never been more comfortable being around him or maybe because I simply know he loves me even at my masai-est time. HAHAHA.

In between our dinner dates or night drives, we had plenty real and straightforward talks and those conversations meant a lot to me as that made me realize the path that we both are looking at going into for the future. I'd say, so far it's all been good and I accept the person he was before. I'm not exactly a saint either and we are all in the road of constantly learning to be a better person. May it be for each other or for yourself.

Long story cut short, I feel extremely lucky to have crossed path (again) with a friend (but now da naik pangkat sikit la coz he's my boyfriend! hahahaa cannot believe I have that down!) who now holds a major stakeholder in my life/heart/soul, one who's blessed with a kind heart, surprising cute, forever funny, hero hindustan in my eyes hehehehe, one who understands my work events x uni schedule and plus point - we are in tune with manyyyyy things which surprises not just him but myself as well. This minute right now, I can never and will not ask for anything more. I'm happy with where I am, where we are at and that's pretty much all that matters.

Happiness.

Cecilia Ahern

As soon as they arrive, they can leave, and even the ones that take a long time to emerge fully can disappear in an instant. Moments are precious, sometimes they linger and other times they're fleeting, and yet so much could be done in them. You could change a mind, you could save a life and you could even fall in love.

Ouch.

Currently am tearing like a loser in my room, laptop on and staring into spreadsheets.. It's not work that's sad, it's words being said night after night that hurts.

That's why some may say, "takde masalah tapi carik masalah". Sometimes I question myself what the hell have I done wrong to deserve this. But one thing's for sure, I should have never brought this upon myself. I should have never fall.

I should probably distance myself but that would probably mean I merajok but honestly, which girl wouldn't?

One truth for the night. One who wear her heart on her sleeve. One love for goodnight.

 

Allow me to apologize in advance if what I'm about to share seems too cheesy and "haven't you learn you lesson".

The past few days I've been sleeping later than usual but it's not because I've been burning the midnight oil nor caught up with work. I.. Let my mind wander to the things that I shouldn't be thinking or bothering about. I've pushed it away, I mean.. I tried but it'll come back. Honestly, my feelings for D had never really left. It's just.. Weird? I really really don't know why I've got such scary hopes on him and to be with him still. It's like so passe. Haha.

I knowww that things will never work out due to race, religion and commitment level. But at the same time, I can't stand the fact that we never really gave us a chance. Then again, if we ever did, it might never work out? Yeah a whole stack of negativity in there.

As much as this may seem bad of me, my care and concern for the ex has dimished off earth the minute I found out I was being played out. Sure it may be unfair to look at one "wrong" move he made. But that broke my heart like crazy (very I must say) that I'm numb and couldn't care less anymore. Besides, the man got a ring around his finger. With that, I've totally rest my case.

Anyway, do note that D is not my ex-boyfriend. He's just someone really-extremely-very dear to me but now, we're nothing more than friends and no less of a stranger. I don't want to be think, hope, pray nor wish that I still stand a chance.

Sometimes, I wished I was strong enough to let go of everything that belongs to him or was once ours.

Till then I'll continue to building up this facade and let me remind you, it's been 8 years. 

There's nothing like us, there's nothing like you and me. Guess that this is meant to be. Tell me was it worth it?

We all smile and fake our way through.

Today may be January 31st.

"The right guy will come along some day. You just got to tough it out and wait for him. But whatever you do, don't settle. You deserve so much more."

The only dreams that matter are the ones that you have when you're awake.

Disclaimer: Photo taken when I was 19 and now I'm.. 22.

 

2013 is gonna be good and I'm gonna make sure I make it good. I can't be bothered with those who don't bother about me. Be it friends or family. It's different now, I'm different. No more Nice Miss Shiqin anymore.

Say whatever you want, my happiness comes first.

Last friday of 2012.

When will it be the time when one would bring me back to those days when love means having butterflies in your tummy? When will it be the time when one planned on a simple date and all I had to do was follow through?  When will it be the time when the thought of him made my heart skip a beat? When will it be the time when the sight of him made me smile silly? When will it be the time when an argument breaks out when one forgot to wish the other on their anniversary? When will it be the time when goodnight and goodmorning text messages are no longer important because they are the first person that came to mind before and after you sleep (and they know so)? When will it be the time that 'to love and be loved' was being lived up to? 

Then who the hell was I?

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

Twenty-two.

 I know that I'm supposed to continue with my Tripping in Phuket, Day 3 but.. There are just some things that I need to let out before I continue. I just feel utterly blessed with all the things that I have or have been experiencing right now. Never have I thought or felt this.. Different? Yet happy. I know and definitely would admit that without a partner in your life, things can get a lil lonely but I always try to be positive. I know that one can never have everything at once therefore, I've learnt to let go some parts of the things that has been bothering me.  I have the bestest family ever, my parents are always supporting me in anything that I'd like to do, my sisters forever keeping me insane and I'm not complaining either haha, my amazing bunch of girlfriends, forever pampering with food and lovely gifts and last minute crazy whatsapps hahaha, my good colleagues that made work less boring and manageable, they always are there to guide me and I'm more than happy to learn.

You see, I dare say that my life is more or less complete and I should be very bersyukur for all these.

 I'm still young and my aim from now on to work incredibly hard, earn doubly as much, study well and ace it good. If love ever comes round again, then it's just pure luck (and god's doing). But as far as I'm concerned, that's the last thing that I'll be working (hard) on. I'm not saying I won't put in any effort, I will but I'll just.. Idk. If there's someone, there is. If not, there isn't. Life is easy. Why complicate things right? :P

For your viewing pleasure.

So.. Have you followed me on twitter and instagram yet? ;)

So just forget about the world, we're young tonight.

Cause all..I need, is a Beauty and a Beat
Who can make my life complete
It's all.. Bout you, when the music makes you move
Baby do it like you do.

Chocolate chip cookies, cancer.

“It was really good to see you,” we both say. He means, “It was really good to see you.” I mean, I still love you, but I’m not in love with you, but I don’t understand why we aren’t still in love.

Soalan cepu emas.

"You sure you're not seeing/dating or even texting anyone?"

If you were to ask me..

Well looks are definitely the first thing to pique my interest but it's his personality that makes or breaks the deal. It's like a pretty buffet table; it might look good but if it tastes like crap, you're not still going to finish it are you?

On one of my good days, you'll see me goofing around like this.

 The hardest thing in the world is to have a good man when you had a bad one.

 But it's harder to have a good woman after she's had a bad man. 

And all those conversation are the secrets that I keep.

I know you’ve never loved The crinkles by your eyes When you smile, You’ve never loved  
Your stomach or your thighs The dimples in your back At the bottom of your spine 
 But I’ll love them endlessly I won’t let these little things Slip out of my mouth  
But if I do It’s you Oh it’s you They add up to I’m in love with you And all these little things

Bear in mind.

Hawa dicipta dari tulang rusuk Adam.

Bukan dari kepalanya untuk dijadikan atasannya.

Bukan dari kakinya untuk dijadikan alasannya.

Melainkan dari sisinya untuk dijadikan teman hidupnya.

Dekat pada lengan untuk dilindunginya dan dekat pada hati untuk dicintainya.

BY Mag.

So it's true, isn't it? Life is what you make of it. You determine what you're looking for, and then you spend that part of your life working towards it. But what if you no longer hold the motivation to work towards it, or you can't even figure out what you want? Why does a 19-year-old hold more potential than a 35-year-old? Because she's younger? Because she's more impressionable? Because she's made less decisions which have set the course of her life in stone?
... Somewhat like a game of tetris?